Diary of Rory Mackay

𝔻𝕚𝕒𝕣𝕪 𝕖𝕟𝕥𝕣𝕪 #𝟙𝟚

8/10/01, New Denver neighborhood

We got a new member. Cline. A girl with a roach named JJ. She loved peanut butter. She shot Jia in the head and she now has amnesia.

At least, I believe she shot her. Even if she says she did not do so. She seems crazy. Very crazy. Why is she still around? We should have send her off. I do not know much about what is considered good or bad, but I believe I can make sense of it all by watching other people. Nobody liked it, they all were sad with the situation Jia was in. Meaning, Cline fucked up real bad. I want her gone. What if I am next?

I did become next but not because of Cline.

After the fiasco, I and Gregory went out on a little treasure hunt. We saw a plane drop down gigantic balloons with crates and wanted to search for it. Yes- we did get lost. Or at least, I lost him. Or perhaps he lost me. In the dense forests of Canada. It was relaxing, if it wasn't for the fact that people at home would murder me if I decided to take the car, give up and leave without him. People seem to like Gregory, back there. I needed to find him.

We did find each other again. We stumbled across a few people leading us to the crates. We camped because it became night. We killed a few hordes. And we got shot by people thinkin we are some "Cruz" men. Perhaps I also started a forest fire. It was fun.

I do not know why I approached the men with the gun again. When they held Greg at gunpoint after the shootout near the crate with the weapons. They believed Greg had thrown the Molotov. I was bleeding out. I do not remember much, everything is a bit foggy. Perhaps that's why I returned to them? Believing how I needed immediate medical attention, and if I'd go and escape, I'd surely die because of my wounds.

I am not sure why I returned there, deciding to get captured besides Greg. He is a good liar. I appreciate that in him. It's what got us out when I was having trouble staying awake. But now, the guys tasked us to meet up with "Cruz" people? And if we do not, we'll be in trouble.

I am not sure why I returned there. Perhaps I was just tired and delusional due to the amount of blood I have lost. I still have the bullet in my arm, and an infected head. Perhaps I should let Roxanne pull this back out.

I do not know why I cared. It worries me.

𝔻𝕚𝕒𝕣𝕪 𝕖𝕟𝕥𝕣𝕪 #𝟙𝟛

8/13/01, New Denver neighborhood

Roxanne patched me up. The numerous injuries I had. She made me go to bed. She got me food and something to drink. I let her. It was kind of relaxing. I was not bleeding to death anymore.

Everyone gave me the side eyes. I do not care, but they are far too nosy. Asking who had shot me and why. I did not tell them. I don't want another chaos to break loose and have them running around the place like headless chickens. One of the nosy ones was a new resident named Micah. Far too nosy. I want to hurt him. He did leave me alone after a while, finally. Very tempted to just get it over with and tell them but it is none of their business. It's nothing to worry about. Roxanne patched me up and it is all fine now.

Sometime after that, we had a visitor. Another maniac! Or whatever they are supposed to be. the black-cloaked people? This one was more child-like. Wanted to be a king, and played pretend. Our king turned up and she wanted to kill him to be the "only king" around. Was kinda funny. I did not like Roxanne calling me a peasant but I knew it was for the play-along. She did end up attacking King. I restrained her, and King killed her. Roxanne did not like that I think. But King saved himself... good on him.

𝔻𝕚𝕒𝕣𝕪 𝕖𝕟𝕥𝕣𝕪 #𝟙𝟜

9/03/01, New Denver neighborhood

Me and Roxanne started working on the farm.. it was good. It reminded me of home. And how mother and father used to make me work on the farm. I am not sure whether I liked it or not and if I still do, now- but it is what I know and what I am good at. Something that can be seen as *normal*, at least. Unfortunately for the people around me, there was a grave in the way of my to-be farm. So I dug the corpse up and moved it away. Roxanne seemed weirded out by this, which confused me. But she went along with it as well. I can see her.

Other than that- Cline cut my leg open today. When we were all out to clear the roads after, she cut my leg open. I want to string her up on a tree but I am not sure whether people would like that. I did try and attack her I think. Got my machete out- I was tempted. She kept running away from me... why did she run away so much? People stopped me. Roxanne pulled me away and patched me up again. She seemed understanding. Of my actions. She understood me.

Oh- and we stumbled across this big, bloody arrow pointing towards our neighborhood. That was interesting.

Rory sees them. He sees them all. The smiles, the laughs- the tears, but does not feel. He undestands, but cannot pick up on it too much. He acts like they do, hoping for the best.

It was when people would walk past him, a smile on their lips when wishing him a good morning.

*Politeness, humane. Norm- smile a bit more, push your trademark grin on your lips. Wave along with them. Why am I waving? Because they are. I feel more trusting towards them if I just. wave. more. and smile more. What is my face doing? I don't understand, I just do things.*

It was when people would make stupid jokes. Laugh around the campfire, talk about their lives, gazing daggers at Rory while doing so.. waiting for a reaction. Curious about his reaction.

*Chuckle. Low and short- is it genuine? The joke WAS funny. Put more work in it. They need to trust you more. Why do they need to trust you? Just shut up and smile. Embrace the fleeting feeling of joy and hold onto it with your life before it goes away again. Seems more genuine that way.*

It was when he approached the corpse on the roof. Roxanne and mr Mailman both distressed. When he crouched in front of it- frowning as he took the little notebook beside it. Trying hard to know how to act- and one glance towards Roxanne said it all.

*sadness. Disappointment. Frown a bit more. Ask more questions. Why did he do this? What was the purpose of this? When did this happen? I do not feel sad. I do not mind this all happening. Yet he was a friend, I think. Just like my sister. Just like my parents. Just fake it, Rory. Just fake it. He'd like you to fake it.*

I see humans but no humanity. Help me understand. They are good people.

𝔻𝕚𝕒𝕣𝕪 𝕖𝕟𝕥𝕣𝕪 #𝟙𝟝

9/15/01, New Denver neighborhood

Talking, talking, talking. People are so nosy, nosy.. nosy. So much talking. Who started it? Did I start it?

It was just milo. When I went back to his place to get a few resources back from him. Like corn for Emma and some tape and bourbon for my molotovs. The past few days had me thinking. Whenever people were having fun, or when they'd be sad about the people dying around the place, or when they look horrified when I dig up a corpse. I cannot understand them. I asked Milo about happiness and where this came from. He told me it came from making the people around him happy.

Back home, at the farm- Mr mailman approached me. Telling me how he saw himself in me. Told me how we are alike, and how he understood me. Saying how I should talk more- blend in more, analyze them more. And the rest would follow. And how he stood behind me. Would help me. I don't understand. He is living around the place within a post office now and is together with Roxanne. He's going to talk more. Yes, he will.

But then, it clicked. When I talked with Hubert? Or he talked with me. People are nosy. He asked a lot of stuff. I told him about home. I told him about my family. I told him about my feelings, thoughts, and emotions. And he called me a psychopath. Sounded like an insult. But he told me it was normal. That I am not weird or strange, and how it's just a part of me.. that I am unable of feeling much emotions? That explains I guess. But will I ever be able to form connections and feel stuff? I do not know. Hubert seemed supportive as well.

They talk too much. Perhaps I can use it to my advantage.

𝔻𝕚𝕒𝕣𝕪 𝕖𝕟𝕥𝕣𝕪 #𝟙𝟞

10/08/01, New Denver neighborhood

Talking continues. They do not want to leave me alone. Roxanne pulled me aside as the others were laughing and doing activities around the campfire? I don't know. She made me talk. Claimed to be interested in how I thought and what I felt about certain situations. I recited Hubert and she tried to help me? Saying how it's all normal. I may have told her how I wanted to feel connected to people- or in some way, worded it to hint towards it while in reality- I do not. I just want to understand people better. And Roxanne was already talking.

I am going to write this.. character sheet stuff now, I guess. An exercise? To figure out what I like about people and what I don't like. To see whether I could feel connected to them. Perhaps I can have friends, after all? Would only build on top of a ton of lying, pretending, and manipulation- probably.

I feel like my only way of communicating like "normal" is by manipulating the people around me. Does Roxanne know that?

𝔻𝕚𝕒𝕣𝕪 𝕖𝕟𝕥𝕣𝕪 #𝟙𝟟

10/21/01, New Denver neighborhood

I like the snow. Makes everything white- looks very clean. Especially when it is snowing. It's calming, and I like Emma's little prints she leaves behind in here when I release her.

I like the view of flames on the cold snow. It keeps me warm, and the contrast is beautiful. Orange and white, clash against each other. Soft and hard. Warm and cold.

I like it view of blood in the snow. It's somehow mesmerizing. Like when Hubert's corpse was sprawled on top of the post office, gun next to him- blood flowing into the snow below him from the gunshot wound at the side of his head.

I should not think like this. It was when cannibals terrorized us- leaving hints of their presence and intentions behind when Roxanne put everyone inside the bar to sleep there, for the time being. Hubert was missing, and we found him on top of the building. I don't understand why he'd do that. And I do not know what to feel. It infuriates me to see people falling apart over Hubert. I want to kick his corpse, urging him to wake up and silence all the panicked screams and crying and noise around me. I don't know why he did what he did. But it does not matter. I went on with my day...

Then Maria came. Hubert's supposedly daughter. Nobody told her what had happened. Roxanne did not want to tell her anyway. So I told her, instead. Roxanne screamed at me.. called me a heartless pig. And I walked away. Too much noise- I did not like it. 

Mr Mailman- or *connor* came to me. Told me how I had angered Roxanne, even if I did do the right thing but not entirely *in the right way.* She was disappointed with me? I don't know what I felt with that but I think I did *feel* something. Enough to go with Connor's plan to apologize. He told me how it was about *being the bigger person* even if I did not have any remorse for what I did. About what people like to hear to feel better? Told me how Roxanne is a good person and does not deserve this. I went with him and apologized to Roxanne. She seemed a bit better after that.

It was not remorse or guilt which I felt. I honestly did not care at all, but still. I can't remember the last time I felt or thought like that. I think the feeling I felt was... something like... pride?

I think I am starting to understand some stuff.

Rory stopped writing in his little journal after this. It is not clear whether something had happened to him- or something changed within him... or he forgot it somewhere? Or perhaps he just felt like he did not need it anymore.

One can only hope the guy managed to learn from the people around him- see humanity instead of humans alone and managed to resist whatever destructive urge woke up within him now and then.

However, if you were meant to visit his little neighborhood- you'd find his little diary sitting on top of the crates filled with rotten fruit near his beloved farm- forgotten and damp in the rain. Folded within his last entry, are a few ripped pages... from another notebook. His last words written before seemingly stuffing his pencil away for days to come.

𝔻𝕚𝕒𝕣𝕪 𝕖𝕟𝕥𝕣𝕪 #𝟙

8/20/19, Muldraigh storage containers

More corn. A ton of corn. Emma's getting thin. She is stubborn, and doesn't want anything other than corn. But there are a lot of those things in West point. I can't look for corn properly. I shouldn't have left home. Why have I left home? It was stupid.

I came across someone. We ran away from hordes. Damien is his name. We took a car and escaped west point. I did not like that. That's further away from home. Why did he take me away from west point?

Oh, he left me as well. Escaped when a horde attacked and left me behind as bait. I don't like this Damien guy either. I thought I saw him again a few days later and wanted to hurt him for what he had done! But it wasn't him. Another guy named David, instead. He seemed okay. Also accompanied by six other people. All strangers to each other. The guy stood out. He seems like a leader type. Midas seems like a doctor of some kind. He gave Emma corn, he is okay as well.

We're in the storage container thingies at this place called Muldraugh now. My leg is killing me. Emma is hungry.

She needs more corn...

𝔻𝕚𝕒𝕣𝕪 𝕖𝕟𝕥𝕣𝕪 #2

9/03/19, Muldraigh neighborhood

Max seems like a leader type. Or not- he says he is not, I don't know. He seems like a sad man. There is Midas, he seems naive. But nice- he gave me more corn. David as well. More corn for Emma. Emma seems to like the bunch. I don't really care.

We settled in the neighborhood in Muldraugh. I hate it here. There is not big enough space for a nice farm. Or there is, but it's in the middle of town and small. I don't like it at all. And I told them that.

Something is nagging inside of me. Like feeling too bored. Too mundane. I'm craving something like an addiction. And then some woman came and gave me Molotov cocktails. And We all went out clearing the road from zeds. And then I burned them to the ground. It was fun.. burning them. Doesn't exactly give me the same feeling I had when I burned my home with bandits screaming inside. But it was calming and made me smile. Seeing the flames go up and the zombies splat down like wingless flies. It made me happy for a fleeting moment.

And then we met someone else. Someone with a funny name, and while his friends talked to my group, the funny man talked to me. He seemed interesting I guess. Asked about me. The group. Of course, didn't tell him much. Kept on smiling is all. But he seemed interesting. And I know he thought I was interesting. I wonder why.

𝔻𝕚𝕒𝕣𝕪 𝕖𝕟𝕥𝕣𝕪 #3

9/04/19, Muldraigh neighborhood

I want to kill Damien. He came back and told me how he left me on accident cause there were too many zeds, and circled back to find me. I don't care! I want to pull his legs and arms apart. String him up a tree! He nearly killed me and I got a limp I return for it all. He came back to get reports from us, in case we need medical assistance from him in the future? Well... no. He tried to stab me with a needle to get my blood type. I don't want that. Max defended me, and Damien went away. Nobody is going to stab me.

We met Elly Lady today as well. Eleanor something. She gave me a trowel so she is nice I guess. Lives alone at this place called Lake Ivy. Told me how it's a nice place with trees and forests and green and I wanted to visit it. Elly lady seemed nice, she jokes a lot. I don't think I care about her. But the jokes, sure.

When she went away, I and Midas went to visit lake ivy. I'd go alone if I knew how to drive but Midas seems like he tries to befriend the people here- sure he won't mind bringing me. I found a talking box. Also a singing box. We got stuck in the car once it started storming and he started talking. He told me about his home and this thing called music. I told him about my farmhouse and the three people I murdered. Midas seemed understanding. He's a naive, clueless idiot- soul of a 4-year-old stuck in the body of an 80-year-old talking like a 40-year-old. Pathetic. I like him.

I can manipulate him far too easily.

𝔻𝕚𝕒𝕣𝕪 𝕖𝕟𝕥𝕣𝕪 #4

9/15/19, Muldraigh neighborhood

Carl talks a lot. He talks way too much. I don't know what Carl is saying or trying to say. Something about a movie and robots and then he talks about ADHD and some woman named Alex, before talking about cars. And all I do is stare. He's going to teach me to drive, this Carl. Gave me a book to read. The book is boring. I wanted to burn the book, I think. It didn't make sense and made my head hurt. But I guess, I just want to learn to drive.

We went out as well, on a little loot run once this wife of Carl woke up.. Alex or something. Me and them, and Max.. and some other girls I can't remember. And a lot of cashing cars and collisions on our way. And I thought I was bad at driving? Emma didn't like that. My arm started to hurt. It was bleeding for some reason. I didn't want to get stabbed but they forced me to stab myself with a needle to fix myself up. I didn't like that, so Alex stabbed me instead. It hurt. I hated it. But my arm stopped bleeding so I guess it was fine.

I fell asleep in the car after.

Oh- and funny man from a few days ago apparently shot David. Funny man.. I wonder why. I think I'd like to see funny man again, but I don't feel like I care much about David getting shot. Is that a bad thing?

𝔻𝕚𝕒𝕣𝕪 𝕖𝕟𝕥𝕣𝕪 #5

10/04/19, Muldraigh neighborhood

Carl taught me to drive.. he went super quick today. Helped me keep the car straight. I still crashed, but a bit less. I call that a win. Telling me how I'm lucky that rules don't exist anymore and can go as quick and dangerous as I'd like to. He also got me a ton of molotovs.. as a Christmas present? It's September? I don't know where it came from but he proposed to me to go around and burn houses down. He seemed super excited about it. I'm not sure why. Sure I'm excited about it as well, but it seemed suspicious on Carl.

After teaching me how to drive, we went and found a house and burned it down.. I loved it. The destruction of the house as you hear the noise of cracking wood, the flames going up and licking the sky. The heat- the power? The calm. I felt calm. For the fleeting moment, I did.

Carl told me how we were doing community service. I don't know how this is a service. I told him about the farmhouse and the bandits and my family. He told me how it makes one feel powerful. To kill the people who have hurt us. Who has done us bad? I think it was more than that. He says how revenge is sweet, but killing in general.. without the revenge attached? It's sweet on its own. It was wonderful. And burning the house down and imagining the bandits screaming inside.

I felt like I was on top of the whole world.

I like Carl.

𝔻𝕚𝕒𝕣𝕪 𝕖𝕟𝕥𝕣𝕪 #6

10/06/19, Muldraigh neighborhood

It was Max his turn to teach me to drive. Also fish. Also hunt. We went fishing before. Max and I, David and the monk in our community. He's also a funny guy. Talks very formal and proper. How my parents taught me I believe. Anyway, he had taught me fishing then. And now Max is also teaching me to drive. To Carl his disappointment, a bit slower and proper. Like my parents would have liked it. But this time, unlike with Carl, I got taught to reverse and properly handle a car. I can't wait to go on my first joyride, after this.. Emma loved it all as well.

We also went hunting. Setting traps for birds and seeking worms. It was very boring. But Max told me how survival comes through boring work. Waiting to catch a fish. Waiting to trap a bird. Boring work.

He seemed nice. I told him about burning a house down with Carl. He told me how it's fine to have fun every so often, as long as we don't forget about the boring work. Emma also laid an egg, I found out.. in my backpack. Max seemed unusually happy about that. It was amusing.

We sat around the campfire and relaxed.. Max boasts about my driving to everyone. It is kind of nice. But we got interrupted by a fat man named Kenny who doesn't like to be called fat. And came asking for food, which the others gave. I don't like this man.

He left. I'm happy he's gone.

...I want to ask Max about carpentry next. Perhaps I can learn enough to build a little chicken coop for Emma and her eggs..

Rory Mackay started to find a few more things he was able to enjoy. Might it be crashing his car or going out fishing with Max, or burning houses down with Carl. Little by little, he found a way to ignore the temptations to experiment on people- to burn their places down for the sake of burning, and hurt for the sake of hurting. Although he won't be able to replicate the fleeting feeling of massive satisfaction, power, and joy with fishing like he'd get with burning a place down with alive people inside.

So of course, he got what he deserved for searching to replicate these dangerous feelings. When walking up to Max to ask him about said gruesome thoughts and emotions- discovered after his little trip with Carl, a car passed by.

One bullet to the head. Not dead just yet. Asleep now- perhaps avoiding the potential destructions he'd cause otherwise.

One bullet to the head. He doesn't know why, when, and how- all he thinks is; "not now," as he faded into darkness.

He wants to wake up.